Em Are I - Killed it!

You know what's worse than finding out you have cancer?

I'll tell you - all the bloody diagnostic tests to determine what stage of cancer you're dealing with.

Mr. Bon and I hadn't even begun to wrap our heads around our new reality, when the surgeon began ticking off the list of diagnostics she would require before the inevitable removal of my cancerous breast.

She mentioned something about the necessity of determining whether or not the carcinoma in question has invaded other sites in my body; though Mr. B and I can barely recall her gentle words and thorough explanations.

It wasn't until we got home that I counted the list of appointments: four in total. Four dates in which I would be poked, prodded and injected with some sort of you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-you're-putting-that-in-my-bloodstream?-substance.

As mind-numbing as a cancer diagnosis is, for me it's those dreaded, but admittedly miraculous,
tests that put me over the edge. I know-I know, they're useful and even critical to my healing process - but they scare the daylights out of me.

Today.
Today was test number three, or officially, Breast MRI. I could only think of it as what it was: my third trip into a mysterious tube with the added bonus, wait for it ... contrast dye via an IV injection, in less than two weeks. No friends, I did not sleep well last night. As my mind is wont to do in these situations, I spent a fair amount of time in the wee hours of the morning dwelling in the deep, dark, depths of my mind. Not such a good place to hang out when the lights are out and the rest of your family is in a deep and peaceful slumber.

Fear not friends, this story has a happy outcome.

Patients who are claustrophobic, or think they might freak out in the tube, are offered a sedative to get through the test with a minimum of discomfort. Given my current anxiety levels, I thought a little "cocktail" wasn't a bad idea, so I signed up.

Funny thing happened to me on the way to the Imaging Center though.
Somehow, I tapped in to a deep - so deep it was unbeknownst - reservoir containing courage and strength (yay! I have courage and strength; could be useful in the future).

As the appointment approached I realized a mind altering drug induced more fear than a confining, noisy machine. I was going to have to get through this chemically unaided. And ya' know what? I did it. Actually, I killed it!

Employing grounding techniques learned from my Reiki master, yogic breathing and positive affirmations gleaned from various books found in the "woo-woo" aisle of Barnes & Noble, I made it through the MRI with no anxiety what-so-ever. In fact, I found it kind of relaxing.

Remember that feeling when you finished your last final of the quarter?
Remember that overwhelming (in a good way) feeling of relief and liberation, knowing you could claim back your life and do what you please with your time? That is where I'm at tonight. It's not quite a Summer break for me, but something shorter; we'll call it a Spring Break.

A few luxurious, worry-free days in which the C-word shan't be mentioned.

Postscript: Kudos to Mr. Bon who sat vigilantly near MRI system, giving me great comfort with his presence.